Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Screwed.edu
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Randomize
