Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
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Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
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You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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