I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
