I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
