You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Randomize
