I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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