It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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