Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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