Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
