i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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