My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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