I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
