So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
