i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
