Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
