My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
