i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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