This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
