You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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