when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
false alarm, still single
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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