I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
how do flat chested girls get laid?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
