I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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