I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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