you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
