A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I'm just crazy horny about you
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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