do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I have aggressive nipples.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
