Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
