sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
