I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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