as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
