I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
