When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!