mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.