What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
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Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
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He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?