my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
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apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
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We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!