i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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