did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
