hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
