soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
