saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
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