i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
