if only i could text you this smell
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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