I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
