found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
