I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
