Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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