I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
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You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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