Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
