Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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