last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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