We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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