life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
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