I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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