i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
