How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
