Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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