My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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