Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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