the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
