im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
