That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Is it because I queefed?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
