Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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