i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
